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The Affair
by Billy Keane

There's only one sure way to figure out what a woman is thinking and that is to ask her. This can be a less than rewarding experience at times and could develop into one of those terrible skirmishes that punctuate even the surest of relationships. Words like issues and mother in law are fired out as indiscriminately as passes from a Fijian sevens team. The next best thing is to read women's mags.

I was researching a mag as to what to buy my one wife and three daughters for Christmas. The piece was headed Cheat Signs. The writer maintains there are a number of ways of ascertaining if your partner is playing way from home.

Is he much nicer to you? Does he smile more? Is he singing to himself a lot? Has he taken to wearing loud colours such as red? Is he planning trips away, supposedly with the lads?

I am sure every man among you reading this is a sufferer from the above symptoms. I can readily identify the signs. In fact every Munster supporter male and female is involved in a passionate relationship. Every single one of us is having an affair with the greatest rugby team in the world. And could you blame us?

Billy asked his mam to waive the royalties for this banner.
©Inpho/Billy Stickland

There have been big strong unshaven men who tried to put an end to the Thomond trysts. Paul Volley is a man with a mouth as wide as the Shannon but not as beautiful. Volley's gun was firing blanks after his trip to Thomond. The new Christmas number one will be ringing in his ears.

You better watch out
You better be quiet
Munster are coming to town

Martin Johnson had the carpet pulled from under him in the Tiger's Den and then there were the glory days in the wine country of Bordeaux and the carnival at Beziers when the suave French tried to break us up.

If the planning of the away trips is one of the signs of an affair well then it`s next stop Twickers. I know a man who won a prize of a weekend for two in Acton's of Kinsale. His spouse overheard him asking the manager of that classy establishment, Jackie Walsh, if there was any chance he could change it to two weekends for one. War ensued and hostilities were only brought to an end when the husband and wife went away to a Munster match .I am told there is no happier couple.

The dog and I have often swapped beds and if you are in a spot of bother with she who must be obeyed here's what you have to do. Buy sexy lingerie at the January sales for your lover when knickers will be down. Make sure you tog her out in red and if possible try to get a rig out emblazoned with the Munster logo. Tell her you're going to the shop first in case she catches you in the act of purchase. A bottle of perfume would be nice. Munster are bringing out there own brands. Eau de Claw is one. The other is Anthony Foley`s potion Channel One made from red roses and Killaloe well water (not to be confused with that French rubbish Chanel 7). And bring her and the knickers to Twickers for The Harlequins game.

In the meantime there is the small matter of January Eight and the Neath Swansea Ospreys. That handsome devil Gavin Henson is another man who will try to break us up with his huge boot and jinxing tap dance. Let's send him the way of all the other interlopers. There is a needle too or should I say a javelin between the teams. It's a pity .The Welsh and the Irish have always been tight. Love of the game and the singsong afterwards is a shared Celtic heritage. Cardiff is as friendly as Killarney or Thurles on match days. The Llanelli and Newport fans fed us enough Brain's Bitter to kill what few cells we have left. Let me urge caution. A certain Osprey's player must not be given the bird lest it be misinterpreted. We owe it to our own tradition to maintain our dignity.

Still the Osprey like the turkey must be stuffed front and back. There must be no leftovers.

Naturally Woman's Whatever will do a follower upper on how to ascertain if your partner's affair is also over.

The signs will be probably as follows. The off-sider is on a new diet of chips and porter. He sin bins the tight underpants that caused him to sing Stand Up and Fight in soprano. The cheat begs the doctor for a cert making out he was suffering from a mid life crisis so he can claim back the grand he spent on joining the gym. The standing order for Austin Healy`s hair clinic is cancelled.

There's one relationship though that will never end. Never ever. We will continue the Munster love affair for as long as we draw breath. For the days of wine and red roses.
They say a picture tells a thousand words.Need we say more?
©Inpho/Patrick Bolger


by Billy Keane
   
 

REQUESTS FOR ADVERTISERS

If you or any company you know of are interested in advertising in Red Alert, we request that you contact us

This Ezine is issued monthly to over 3,500 Munster Supporters which we hope will be attractive as an advertising option for some companies.

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Our thanks to Mick Dolan and his staff for hosting a post-match party for supporters in Dolan’s Bar after the Castres match.

The video of the match was shown with finger food.

Highlight of the night was a showing of the SHY NEWS trip to the Ospreys game called – ON THE ROAD AGAIN.

Many thanks to Mick Sheehan and John Rochford for presenting us with the clips from SHY NEWS.


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